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6 responses so far ↓
1 Editor // Feb 1, 2008 at 6:36 pm
“driving great lengths to purchase a cup of coffee and pie at an all night diner; learning how to play four different games of cards by oneself; memorizing the names of television hosts and hostesses that sell jewelry and hand lotions, while reciting all of their catch phrases simultaneously with them.”
This section draws the reader in nicely. It allows us all to actually see the world an insomniac occupies.
Nicely done,
The Editor
2 jude // Apr 25, 2008 at 5:39 am
I loved the story but perhaps it would have read more smoothly without most of the commas. A good way to tell is to read it aloud. A really good read
3 Ann // Apr 25, 2008 at 3:35 pm
“A good way to tell is to read it aloud. ”
Great advice, I read all of my work aloud and if I find myself struggling somewhere, I know it may be my word choice or punctuation. Usually, I try to read my work to another person (but only when I am finished) to see what they think and if the story is clear.
At least get a quick proofread. As we all know, it’s very hard to edit oneself.
Ann
4 Editor // Apr 25, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Couldn’t agree more, but there is a fine line between style and grammar. I believe the writer wants the reader to pause, creating a disjointed voice in line with the character’s state of mind.
Thanks for commenting,
The Editor
5 gilga // Jun 23, 2008 at 10:11 am
A distinctively imagined irksome story, which had me reading right through. Very good.
You are apprehensively waiting for disaster to happen. Not because the story is such, but due to the remarkably desperate manner in which the narrator lets us into his thoughts which are losing continuity and coherency.
In the end, you almost feel sorry for him as you remember ‘and I am not covered with a proper medical insurance plan.’
6 Editor // Jun 23, 2008 at 11:58 am
Agreed, the voice in this story is exquisite. Bobby definitely writes a powerful story and forces his readers to engage and empathize with the narrator.
Great work,
The Editor
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